The Beginning of the Journey to Light

My name is Jamie Stansfield.  I am 30 years old.  I have been happily married for 9 years.  I have a Bachelors Degree.  I have 4 of the most amazing beautiful adorable children which I get to stay home and raise while my husband works hard for us.  We own a home, a minivan, a motorcycle as well as a dog and a cat.  I live in the greatest neighborhood that ever existed where we are surrounded by other stay at home moms and little children.  Life is EXACTLY what I have always wanted.

And I suffer with anxiety and depression.

In 2006 I was blessed to become a mother to an incredible baby girl.  In 2007 I had a surprise pregnancy that ended up in a miscarriage around 12 weeks.  In 2008 I had the great blessing and honor to become a mother to yet another perfect baby girl.  I was in heaven!  Yet anxiety crept in.  I suddenly felt anxious almost every day.  I didn't understand why or had any clue of how to get rid of it.  I did start to go to the gym every morning and that did help to some extent.  I really got into running once the membership was up and that helped a bit too.

It was not till after my second miscarriage that the anxiety and depression really took over.  It was last January (2011) when the miscarriage happened.  I had been doing an insane early morning paper route in the snow when it happened.  It was an unplanned pregnancy but that did not make the miscarriage ok.  I quit the paper route and spiraled into a dark ugly place where I could not find any joy anymore in my day to day.  It was such a struggle to keep the family going.  I took the kiddos on a three week trip to my parents house in southern California hoping that some sunshine and change of scenary would help.  It didn't.  I did what I could to keep going but for the most part the darkness was winning and I felt so lost.  I made a doctors appt for when I got home to begin the possible route of medication.

I was put on Celexa.  It started working almost immediately.  The light came back into my life and I felt empowered.  After being on it a month I went back to the doctor and reported the success.  It helped a ton with the depression but the anxiety was still a constant battle.  So he upped the dose and after a bit I was really in a fabulous new world.  Not only could I handle my own life and it's challenges but I suddenly felt like I could help the rest of the world too. 

I felt so great but I knew there was one more child to come to our family.  So I decided it was time to complete our family and suffer through one more pregnancy without the antidepressants but then once the pregnancy was over I could get back on the meds forever if need be.  Ugh it was a long dark pregnancy.  But the second my perfect little prince was born I got back on the Celexa hoping for the same success as before.

For the first four months it was great.  Then it started to fail.  The anxiety came back first.  Then the depression came back.  I started counseling hoping that maybe I could just get off the meds all together and get fixed through counseling.  The counselor told me to switch the meds in addition to counseling.  So I did.  I am now on Zoloft.  The first month it did help with the depression.  I have had the dose increased in order to fight the anxiety and it's been a week so far and I think it's helping with anxiety.  I hope it will a little more in the weeks to follow.

I have decided to start this blog for an outlet for me.  It is theraputic for me to write things all out.  And the idea that maybe my journey may help someone else sounds pretty great too.  So come with me on this journey through darkness as I search for and hopefully keep on the light and joy of this life.!