I have definately been lousy with keeping up with this blog. When one is struggling to find the light though it can be hard to open up. Or feel like taking the time to do so.
Depression and anxiety are like I have said...they make you feel too much. And I think this is Satan's very very effective tools in these latter days. I think depression and anxiety can be a hormonal defect. But it is also something that most if not every woman can understand. As women we seem to have this innate ability to beat ourselves up. Whether it be with sad, self defeating thoughts or through sad, self defeating foods or through sad, self defeating idleness. When I am feeling low the last thing I want to do is to eat a carrot or be productive. I want to wallow away into nothingness with the assistance of my favorite self defeating food Double Stuff Oreos and the magic glowing box. But as I give into the soft gooey perfectly dipped oreos and the numbness of watching a fake universe I don't ever 'feel better'. No amount of these things make me feel at all better. I tend to feel worse and then go to bed with the hopes that some how tomorrow morning I will wake up refreshed and energized and self appreciating and motivating! Can I just say how grateful I am for every NEW day?! Each day is just like the Saviors atonement. It is a second chance to get it right! And every single day I mess up and go to sleep and because of the atonement that next days is another second chance! Truly a miracle! I have always been a morning lover! Well that is until taking antidepressants.
I think antidepressants have amazing capabilities. When I first got on a successful dose I finally became capable of my own life as well as wanting and being able to help those around me! It was a true miracle! And I think still the medicine I am on now is working quite well but there are side effects. The biggest side effect for me is evident in the mornings. Instead of waking up after 8 hours of sleep MAX feeling wide awake and ready to conquer the world I feel like I may be able to sleep all day long if I was aloud to. I'm okay once I get up and moving but it takes an extra push to get going. This side effect is very frustrating for me since I have always loved the mornings. Recently I thought I would go off the medicine cold turkey and see what I was like without it. NEVER A GOOD IDEA! cold turkey brings so many other yucky side effects that can be avoided with proper dosage decline. Well after being off the medicine for 3 days we had a meeting with our local church leader (Bishop). He knows of my struggles and asked if I was taking the medicine as I was directed. I told him actually I had thought to get off of it. He wisely counseled me to not do so and to keep on as I am prescribed to do. So I willingly obeyed and am back on it. The doc said that after a year of being successfully on the medicine I can try life without so I will just wait until then.
Recently I was talking to a good friend about Utah and it's high use of anti-depressants. She thought this to be so very sad. Yet I see it in another light. In Utah there is a very high birth rate. This takes such a toll on a womans body and often a birth of one child is followed closely by a sibling. This is wonderful and beautiful that Utah women are so focused on creating and raising a family! But doing so is NOT easy! And I don't know about other Utah women or any others for that matter, but I had no idea motherhood was going to be so challenging! It was wonderful and fabulous of course. But it is NOT easy. And the mothers in Utah I feel know that they are so vitally important to the success of their families that if they are NOT doing well emotionally then they need help. I see Utah's high use of anti-depressants as a positive. There are so many women and men who fight the dark battle alone for too long. There is help and anti-depressants can be a HUGE help and in some instances a life saver. They are NOT the solution alone no. I have come to recognize that Satan's number one tactic on me is self defeat. All he needs to do is plant one negative thought of me not being good enough at one thing and that can set my mind rolling in self defeating thoughts and behaviors. I am striving to see that I am a BEAUTIFUL daughter of GOD who loves me and I love Him! He knows my faults. He knows my strengths. He knows that this isn't easy. He knows that I CAN do it though and that He can help me become who I can become. I am not going to be perfect tomorrow just like I wasn't perfect today. But I can keep trying. Keep striving. As a wise prophet, President Monson once said, “Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Be Assertive! Be Be Assertive!
Okay so I have heard from a few that they were wondering / waiting for the next post. I started thinking about what I would write next and came up with the Assertive topic. And then my mind went rolling and I got prideful and concerned that after writing this post there may be some that might say 'well I told you so'. And even if they didn't say that out loud just the idea that someone would say that to themselves just really rubbed me the wrong way. But really what does it matter if they do. We all grow at our own pace and learn at our own pace. So it was not until recently that I was able to begin to deal with this issue.
K. So one of the best things I took from my counseling sessions was about being Assertive! I am very much a people pleaser. I think I get it from my mom and I think it was reinforced by my father. (I'll get into that later). So I want SOOOO desperately for everyone to like me. To the point of massively stressing over dumb details in hopes that I will be liked, loved and accepted. I went to an LDS counselor who talked to me about Jesus Christ. She said that we are all trying to be like Him. But that He was NOT a people pleaser. Did everyone like him? NO. Did he try to get people to like Him? NO. Not many people loved Him or even liked Him. And that was ok with Him. Not everyone will like Him. So in my efforts to be more Christlike I do NOT need to try to please everyone around me. I need to learn to be Assertive! That means that I put myself and my needs and wants at the top of the list and NOT at the bottom. Which you other Mother's know is NOT always easy to do. It is easier to put yourself WAY down on the totum pole but in doing so we start to fade away. Who we are begins to disappear and without realizing it we may snap or just plain cry.
So I have realized that in many ways I let my children get away with too much. I grew up in a VERY lax environment. There were not any real ground rules or specific punishments. My brother and I just pretty much did whatever whenever. So to be a more Assertive parent with distinct rules and consequences and structure is a whole new world for me. Stansfields were raised very different than I. There were for the most part rules and consequences. So now being a Stansfield parent I feel in many ways inadequate in my role. (I'll probably get into that more later as well.) I have realized that the more I let my children get away with the more a little part of me inside dies. I feel more and more inadequate and hopeless. I get more fearful for what the future holds. And I feel like throwing in the towel some days. But we sat down and had a family meeting. We came up with family rules. We talked about what the consequences would be if those rules were broken. And then we began to impliment them. It was an adjustment for me 2 year old that is for sure. She was pretty used to getting her way if she screamed enough. She has a SERIOUS set of lungs on her and so for the most part I have dealt with her in telling her sisters and myself to just let her have her way to make the screaming stop. CONSISTENCY needs to be of course ASSERTIVE's best friend. We have made some serious improvements around here but there is still a constant struggle of consistency and courage. The courage to simply try again the next day if today was just a disaster.
I love the idea of Assertiveness and what it can do for me as a mother, a wife, a friend, a human. I will continually strive to put myself at the top of my totum pole. I have heard many times that if you don't take care of yourself then you will not be able to care for others. What I want and need DOES matter. People may choose to not like me and that is ok. Because in being assertive I will like me. And there is nothing more beautiful than a Daughter of God who loves who she is and what she is becoming. And that is exactly the kind of beauty that I am after!
K. So one of the best things I took from my counseling sessions was about being Assertive! I am very much a people pleaser. I think I get it from my mom and I think it was reinforced by my father. (I'll get into that later). So I want SOOOO desperately for everyone to like me. To the point of massively stressing over dumb details in hopes that I will be liked, loved and accepted. I went to an LDS counselor who talked to me about Jesus Christ. She said that we are all trying to be like Him. But that He was NOT a people pleaser. Did everyone like him? NO. Did he try to get people to like Him? NO. Not many people loved Him or even liked Him. And that was ok with Him. Not everyone will like Him. So in my efforts to be more Christlike I do NOT need to try to please everyone around me. I need to learn to be Assertive! That means that I put myself and my needs and wants at the top of the list and NOT at the bottom. Which you other Mother's know is NOT always easy to do. It is easier to put yourself WAY down on the totum pole but in doing so we start to fade away. Who we are begins to disappear and without realizing it we may snap or just plain cry.
So I have realized that in many ways I let my children get away with too much. I grew up in a VERY lax environment. There were not any real ground rules or specific punishments. My brother and I just pretty much did whatever whenever. So to be a more Assertive parent with distinct rules and consequences and structure is a whole new world for me. Stansfields were raised very different than I. There were for the most part rules and consequences. So now being a Stansfield parent I feel in many ways inadequate in my role. (I'll probably get into that more later as well.) I have realized that the more I let my children get away with the more a little part of me inside dies. I feel more and more inadequate and hopeless. I get more fearful for what the future holds. And I feel like throwing in the towel some days. But we sat down and had a family meeting. We came up with family rules. We talked about what the consequences would be if those rules were broken. And then we began to impliment them. It was an adjustment for me 2 year old that is for sure. She was pretty used to getting her way if she screamed enough. She has a SERIOUS set of lungs on her and so for the most part I have dealt with her in telling her sisters and myself to just let her have her way to make the screaming stop. CONSISTENCY needs to be of course ASSERTIVE's best friend. We have made some serious improvements around here but there is still a constant struggle of consistency and courage. The courage to simply try again the next day if today was just a disaster.
I love the idea of Assertiveness and what it can do for me as a mother, a wife, a friend, a human. I will continually strive to put myself at the top of my totum pole. I have heard many times that if you don't take care of yourself then you will not be able to care for others. What I want and need DOES matter. People may choose to not like me and that is ok. Because in being assertive I will like me. And there is nothing more beautiful than a Daughter of God who loves who she is and what she is becoming. And that is exactly the kind of beauty that I am after!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Anxiety
I am not positive but it seems that depressions is much more common than anxiety. I know several people who struggle with depression and yet anxiety is not an issue for them. And yet my doctor assures me that the two are related. Which makes sense to me for the most part. I think depression and anxiety in simple terms can be defined by feeling too much. Anti-depressants are really anti feeling pills. In the right dose they can help a depressed / anxious person not feel as much as they used to. So for me that means that things that would really get me down or frustrated or anxious are really no big deal. They may still bug me but they no longer have the power to DEBILITATE me.
For the most part I am feeling some level of anxiety all day long. I wake up anxious. I go to bed anxious. Occasionally I get an increased level of anxiety which we can labeled 'an attack'. These are much more difficult to manage. My chest gets super tight. My breathing quickens. And if you are nearby I will have an EXTREMELY short fuse so sadly beware. Neighbors who are clueless of the situation that just sent me overboard are sometimes innocent recipients of my frustrations. Now I don't want you to think I suddenly turn into this hulk of a jerk. In my head I do but thankfully I have better manners than that, at least for those innocent neighbors. But sadly for my children mommy does turn into a bit of hulk and they are suddenly faced with a louder sharper insistent mommy and if they choose to disobey at this time the wrath only increases until they are either majorly punished or banished to their room for who knows how long.
I was hoping therapy could help out with my anxiety. It probably could but my therapist was not much of a help. I told her how I pretty much feel anxious all the time and she suggested I take Kava Kava or Kava root to help calm my nerves. I buy some Kava root only to later realize I should not take it while breastfeeding. I thought I'd try it once anyway but I did not feel much if any relief. Taking that information back to my doctor he disagreed with her advice and decided to up my dose on Zoloft instead. Sigh... The therapist never tried to figure out what causes the anxiety. I thought that was what she would do and maybe through figuring it all out we could calm my nerves some. On my own I have tried to come up with reasons for my anxiousness and I have come up with a few. 'Fixing' them though is not as easy.
One is finances. We were stupid while we were in college. We lived off loans and credit cards and when we graduated we turned to just credit cards and until now we have never lived within in our means. Last year we consolidated all the debt we could which froze all of our credit cards and increased our monthly payments BUT made it so we would be debt free in 4 years instead of 18! So now we are forced to live within our means but with a large debt payment to credit cards, school loans, car loan, mortgage, medical bills and the ever constant utilities we are left with very little. So money is a constant source of anxiety. Thankfully a new bonus program has been put into place with Thom's work so in the near future we will be able to breathe more but that will take a couple months as we are behind on a few payments that we will need to catch up on.
Two is small children. In my case 4 small children. My oldest is only 6 and my youngest is 5 months. A 4 year old and 2 year old are in the middle. This means two things. One: that I am in constant need...someone seems to always need something from me. I grew up in a family of 4 people total. Only one brother for a sibling. I was alone a TON and got along fine. Now I am NEVER alone and even 6 years later it is still challenge for me. Two: What to do with little kids all day long every day. I was never around little kids. I honestly hated babysitting. So now I have 4 little ones who I of course adore and love to be with but I admit I am often at a loss of what to DO with them for hours on end. I really dislike the winter months for this especially. And when i look up fun things to do with them online there are often costs with their ideas. Even just craft supplies. We barely have enough money each month for food and some gas. Other ideas admittedly overwhelm me because of the amount of prep work / clean up that it will require. So much of these 6 years has been sitting in front of the TV. But this past winter we got rid of the TV. It was effecting us all too much. I'll explain more on that later.
So in a nutshell I am haunted by constant anxiety. I have learned to live with it and ignore it in many ways but I admit I would LOVE to live life without it's constant companion.
For the most part I am feeling some level of anxiety all day long. I wake up anxious. I go to bed anxious. Occasionally I get an increased level of anxiety which we can labeled 'an attack'. These are much more difficult to manage. My chest gets super tight. My breathing quickens. And if you are nearby I will have an EXTREMELY short fuse so sadly beware. Neighbors who are clueless of the situation that just sent me overboard are sometimes innocent recipients of my frustrations. Now I don't want you to think I suddenly turn into this hulk of a jerk. In my head I do but thankfully I have better manners than that, at least for those innocent neighbors. But sadly for my children mommy does turn into a bit of hulk and they are suddenly faced with a louder sharper insistent mommy and if they choose to disobey at this time the wrath only increases until they are either majorly punished or banished to their room for who knows how long.
I was hoping therapy could help out with my anxiety. It probably could but my therapist was not much of a help. I told her how I pretty much feel anxious all the time and she suggested I take Kava Kava or Kava root to help calm my nerves. I buy some Kava root only to later realize I should not take it while breastfeeding. I thought I'd try it once anyway but I did not feel much if any relief. Taking that information back to my doctor he disagreed with her advice and decided to up my dose on Zoloft instead. Sigh... The therapist never tried to figure out what causes the anxiety. I thought that was what she would do and maybe through figuring it all out we could calm my nerves some. On my own I have tried to come up with reasons for my anxiousness and I have come up with a few. 'Fixing' them though is not as easy.
One is finances. We were stupid while we were in college. We lived off loans and credit cards and when we graduated we turned to just credit cards and until now we have never lived within in our means. Last year we consolidated all the debt we could which froze all of our credit cards and increased our monthly payments BUT made it so we would be debt free in 4 years instead of 18! So now we are forced to live within our means but with a large debt payment to credit cards, school loans, car loan, mortgage, medical bills and the ever constant utilities we are left with very little. So money is a constant source of anxiety. Thankfully a new bonus program has been put into place with Thom's work so in the near future we will be able to breathe more but that will take a couple months as we are behind on a few payments that we will need to catch up on.
Two is small children. In my case 4 small children. My oldest is only 6 and my youngest is 5 months. A 4 year old and 2 year old are in the middle. This means two things. One: that I am in constant need...someone seems to always need something from me. I grew up in a family of 4 people total. Only one brother for a sibling. I was alone a TON and got along fine. Now I am NEVER alone and even 6 years later it is still challenge for me. Two: What to do with little kids all day long every day. I was never around little kids. I honestly hated babysitting. So now I have 4 little ones who I of course adore and love to be with but I admit I am often at a loss of what to DO with them for hours on end. I really dislike the winter months for this especially. And when i look up fun things to do with them online there are often costs with their ideas. Even just craft supplies. We barely have enough money each month for food and some gas. Other ideas admittedly overwhelm me because of the amount of prep work / clean up that it will require. So much of these 6 years has been sitting in front of the TV. But this past winter we got rid of the TV. It was effecting us all too much. I'll explain more on that later.
So in a nutshell I am haunted by constant anxiety. I have learned to live with it and ignore it in many ways but I admit I would LOVE to live life without it's constant companion.
Friday, August 31, 2012
The Beginning of the Journey to Light
My name is Jamie Stansfield. I am 30 years old. I have been happily married for 9 years. I have a Bachelors Degree. I have 4 of the most amazing beautiful adorable children which I get to stay home and raise while my husband works hard for us. We own a home, a minivan, a motorcycle as well as a dog and a cat. I live in the greatest neighborhood that ever existed where we are surrounded by other stay at home moms and little children. Life is EXACTLY what I have always wanted.
And I suffer with anxiety and depression.
In 2006 I was blessed to become a mother to an incredible baby girl. In 2007 I had a surprise pregnancy that ended up in a miscarriage around 12 weeks. In 2008 I had the great blessing and honor to become a mother to yet another perfect baby girl. I was in heaven! Yet anxiety crept in. I suddenly felt anxious almost every day. I didn't understand why or had any clue of how to get rid of it. I did start to go to the gym every morning and that did help to some extent. I really got into running once the membership was up and that helped a bit too.
It was not till after my second miscarriage that the anxiety and depression really took over. It was last January (2011) when the miscarriage happened. I had been doing an insane early morning paper route in the snow when it happened. It was an unplanned pregnancy but that did not make the miscarriage ok. I quit the paper route and spiraled into a dark ugly place where I could not find any joy anymore in my day to day. It was such a struggle to keep the family going. I took the kiddos on a three week trip to my parents house in southern California hoping that some sunshine and change of scenary would help. It didn't. I did what I could to keep going but for the most part the darkness was winning and I felt so lost. I made a doctors appt for when I got home to begin the possible route of medication.
I was put on Celexa. It started working almost immediately. The light came back into my life and I felt empowered. After being on it a month I went back to the doctor and reported the success. It helped a ton with the depression but the anxiety was still a constant battle. So he upped the dose and after a bit I was really in a fabulous new world. Not only could I handle my own life and it's challenges but I suddenly felt like I could help the rest of the world too.
I felt so great but I knew there was one more child to come to our family. So I decided it was time to complete our family and suffer through one more pregnancy without the antidepressants but then once the pregnancy was over I could get back on the meds forever if need be. Ugh it was a long dark pregnancy. But the second my perfect little prince was born I got back on the Celexa hoping for the same success as before.
For the first four months it was great. Then it started to fail. The anxiety came back first. Then the depression came back. I started counseling hoping that maybe I could just get off the meds all together and get fixed through counseling. The counselor told me to switch the meds in addition to counseling. So I did. I am now on Zoloft. The first month it did help with the depression. I have had the dose increased in order to fight the anxiety and it's been a week so far and I think it's helping with anxiety. I hope it will a little more in the weeks to follow.
I have decided to start this blog for an outlet for me. It is theraputic for me to write things all out. And the idea that maybe my journey may help someone else sounds pretty great too. So come with me on this journey through darkness as I search for and hopefully keep on the light and joy of this life.!
And I suffer with anxiety and depression.
In 2006 I was blessed to become a mother to an incredible baby girl. In 2007 I had a surprise pregnancy that ended up in a miscarriage around 12 weeks. In 2008 I had the great blessing and honor to become a mother to yet another perfect baby girl. I was in heaven! Yet anxiety crept in. I suddenly felt anxious almost every day. I didn't understand why or had any clue of how to get rid of it. I did start to go to the gym every morning and that did help to some extent. I really got into running once the membership was up and that helped a bit too.
It was not till after my second miscarriage that the anxiety and depression really took over. It was last January (2011) when the miscarriage happened. I had been doing an insane early morning paper route in the snow when it happened. It was an unplanned pregnancy but that did not make the miscarriage ok. I quit the paper route and spiraled into a dark ugly place where I could not find any joy anymore in my day to day. It was such a struggle to keep the family going. I took the kiddos on a three week trip to my parents house in southern California hoping that some sunshine and change of scenary would help. It didn't. I did what I could to keep going but for the most part the darkness was winning and I felt so lost. I made a doctors appt for when I got home to begin the possible route of medication.
I was put on Celexa. It started working almost immediately. The light came back into my life and I felt empowered. After being on it a month I went back to the doctor and reported the success. It helped a ton with the depression but the anxiety was still a constant battle. So he upped the dose and after a bit I was really in a fabulous new world. Not only could I handle my own life and it's challenges but I suddenly felt like I could help the rest of the world too.
I felt so great but I knew there was one more child to come to our family. So I decided it was time to complete our family and suffer through one more pregnancy without the antidepressants but then once the pregnancy was over I could get back on the meds forever if need be. Ugh it was a long dark pregnancy. But the second my perfect little prince was born I got back on the Celexa hoping for the same success as before.
For the first four months it was great. Then it started to fail. The anxiety came back first. Then the depression came back. I started counseling hoping that maybe I could just get off the meds all together and get fixed through counseling. The counselor told me to switch the meds in addition to counseling. So I did. I am now on Zoloft. The first month it did help with the depression. I have had the dose increased in order to fight the anxiety and it's been a week so far and I think it's helping with anxiety. I hope it will a little more in the weeks to follow.
I have decided to start this blog for an outlet for me. It is theraputic for me to write things all out. And the idea that maybe my journey may help someone else sounds pretty great too. So come with me on this journey through darkness as I search for and hopefully keep on the light and joy of this life.!
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