Be Assertive! Be Be Assertive!

Okay so I have heard from a few that they were wondering / waiting for the next post.  I started thinking about what I would write next and came up with the Assertive topic.  And then my mind went rolling and I got prideful and concerned that after writing this post there may be some that might say 'well I told you so'.  And even if they didn't say that out loud just the idea that someone would say that to themselves just really rubbed me the wrong way.  But really what does it matter if they do.  We all grow at our own pace and learn at our own pace.  So it was not until recently that I was able to begin to deal with this issue.

K.  So one of the best things I took from my counseling sessions was about being Assertive!  I am very much a people pleaser.  I think I get it from my mom and I think it was reinforced by my father.  (I'll get into that later).  So I want SOOOO desperately for everyone to like me.  To the point of massively stressing over dumb details in hopes that I will be liked, loved and accepted.  I went to an LDS counselor who talked to me about Jesus Christ.  She said that we are all trying to be like Him.  But that He was NOT a people pleaser.  Did everyone like him?  NO.  Did he try to get people to like Him?  NO.  Not many people loved Him or even liked Him.  And that was ok with Him.  Not everyone will like Him.  So in my efforts to be more Christlike I do NOT need to try to please everyone around me.  I need to learn to be Assertive!  That means that I put myself and my needs and wants at the top of the list and NOT at the bottom.  Which you other Mother's know is NOT always easy to do.  It is easier to put yourself WAY down on the totum pole but in doing so we start to fade away.  Who we are begins to disappear and without realizing it we may snap or just plain cry.

So I have realized that in many ways I let my children get away with too much.  I grew up in a VERY lax environment.  There were not any real ground rules or specific punishments.  My brother and I just pretty much did whatever whenever.  So to be a more Assertive parent with distinct rules and consequences and structure is a whole new world for me.  Stansfields were raised very different than I.  There were for the most part rules and consequences.  So now being a Stansfield parent I feel in many ways inadequate in my role.  (I'll probably get into that more later as well.)  I have realized that the more I let my children get away with the more a little part of me inside dies.  I feel more and more inadequate and hopeless.  I get more fearful for what the future holds.  And I feel like throwing in the towel some days.  But we sat down and had a family meeting.  We came up with family rules.  We talked about what the consequences would be if those rules were broken.  And then we began to impliment them.  It was an adjustment for me 2 year old that is for sure.  She was pretty used to getting her way if she screamed enough.  She has a SERIOUS set of lungs on her and so for the most part I have dealt with her in telling her sisters and myself to just let her have her way to make the screaming stop.  CONSISTENCY needs to be of course ASSERTIVE's best friend.  We have made some serious improvements around here but there is still a constant struggle of consistency and courage.  The courage to simply try again the next day if today was just a disaster. 

I love the idea of Assertiveness and what it can do for me as a mother, a wife, a friend, a human.  I will continually strive to put myself at the top of my totum pole.  I have heard many times that if you don't take care of yourself then you will not be able to care for others.  What I want and need DOES matter.  People may choose to not like me and that is ok.  Because in being assertive I will like me.  And there is nothing more beautiful than a Daughter of God who loves who she is and what she is becoming.  And that is exactly the kind of beauty that I am after!