Be Assertive! Be Be Assertive!

Okay so I have heard from a few that they were wondering / waiting for the next post.  I started thinking about what I would write next and came up with the Assertive topic.  And then my mind went rolling and I got prideful and concerned that after writing this post there may be some that might say 'well I told you so'.  And even if they didn't say that out loud just the idea that someone would say that to themselves just really rubbed me the wrong way.  But really what does it matter if they do.  We all grow at our own pace and learn at our own pace.  So it was not until recently that I was able to begin to deal with this issue.

K.  So one of the best things I took from my counseling sessions was about being Assertive!  I am very much a people pleaser.  I think I get it from my mom and I think it was reinforced by my father.  (I'll get into that later).  So I want SOOOO desperately for everyone to like me.  To the point of massively stressing over dumb details in hopes that I will be liked, loved and accepted.  I went to an LDS counselor who talked to me about Jesus Christ.  She said that we are all trying to be like Him.  But that He was NOT a people pleaser.  Did everyone like him?  NO.  Did he try to get people to like Him?  NO.  Not many people loved Him or even liked Him.  And that was ok with Him.  Not everyone will like Him.  So in my efforts to be more Christlike I do NOT need to try to please everyone around me.  I need to learn to be Assertive!  That means that I put myself and my needs and wants at the top of the list and NOT at the bottom.  Which you other Mother's know is NOT always easy to do.  It is easier to put yourself WAY down on the totum pole but in doing so we start to fade away.  Who we are begins to disappear and without realizing it we may snap or just plain cry.

So I have realized that in many ways I let my children get away with too much.  I grew up in a VERY lax environment.  There were not any real ground rules or specific punishments.  My brother and I just pretty much did whatever whenever.  So to be a more Assertive parent with distinct rules and consequences and structure is a whole new world for me.  Stansfields were raised very different than I.  There were for the most part rules and consequences.  So now being a Stansfield parent I feel in many ways inadequate in my role.  (I'll probably get into that more later as well.)  I have realized that the more I let my children get away with the more a little part of me inside dies.  I feel more and more inadequate and hopeless.  I get more fearful for what the future holds.  And I feel like throwing in the towel some days.  But we sat down and had a family meeting.  We came up with family rules.  We talked about what the consequences would be if those rules were broken.  And then we began to impliment them.  It was an adjustment for me 2 year old that is for sure.  She was pretty used to getting her way if she screamed enough.  She has a SERIOUS set of lungs on her and so for the most part I have dealt with her in telling her sisters and myself to just let her have her way to make the screaming stop.  CONSISTENCY needs to be of course ASSERTIVE's best friend.  We have made some serious improvements around here but there is still a constant struggle of consistency and courage.  The courage to simply try again the next day if today was just a disaster. 

I love the idea of Assertiveness and what it can do for me as a mother, a wife, a friend, a human.  I will continually strive to put myself at the top of my totum pole.  I have heard many times that if you don't take care of yourself then you will not be able to care for others.  What I want and need DOES matter.  People may choose to not like me and that is ok.  Because in being assertive I will like me.  And there is nothing more beautiful than a Daughter of God who loves who she is and what she is becoming.  And that is exactly the kind of beauty that I am after!

Anxiety

I am not positive but it seems that depressions is much more common than anxiety.  I know several people who struggle with depression and yet anxiety is not an issue for them.  And yet my doctor assures me that the two are related.  Which makes sense to me for the most part.  I think depression and anxiety in simple terms can be defined by feeling too much.  Anti-depressants are really anti feeling pills.  In the right dose they can help a depressed / anxious person not feel as much as they used to.  So for me that means that things that would really get me down or frustrated or anxious are really no big deal.  They may still bug me but they no longer have the power to DEBILITATE me.

For the most part I am feeling some level of anxiety all day long.  I wake up anxious.  I go to bed anxious.  Occasionally I get an increased level of anxiety which we can labeled 'an attack'.  These are much more difficult to manage.  My chest gets super tight.  My breathing quickens.  And if you are nearby I will have an EXTREMELY short fuse so sadly beware.  Neighbors who are clueless of the situation that just sent me overboard are sometimes innocent recipients of my frustrations.  Now I don't want you to think I suddenly turn into this hulk of a jerk.  In my head I do but thankfully I have better manners than that, at least for those innocent neighbors.  But sadly for my children mommy does turn into a bit of hulk and they are suddenly faced with a louder sharper insistent mommy and if they choose to disobey at this time the wrath only increases until they are either majorly punished or banished to their room for who knows how long.

I was hoping therapy could help out with my anxiety.  It probably could but my therapist was not much of a help.  I told her how I pretty much feel anxious all the time and she suggested I take Kava Kava or Kava root to help calm my nerves.  I buy some Kava root only to later realize I should not take it while breastfeeding.  I thought I'd try it once anyway but I did not feel much if any relief.  Taking that information back to my doctor he disagreed with her advice and decided to up my dose on Zoloft instead.  Sigh...  The therapist never tried to figure out what causes the anxiety.  I thought that was what she would do and maybe through figuring it all out we could calm my nerves some.  On my own I have tried to come up with reasons for my anxiousness and I have come up with a few.  'Fixing' them though is not as easy.

One is finances.  We were stupid while we were in college.  We lived off loans and credit cards and when we graduated we turned to just credit cards and until now we have never lived within in our means.  Last year we consolidated all the debt we could which froze all of our credit cards and increased our monthly payments BUT made it so we would be debt free in 4 years instead of 18!  So now we are forced to live within our means but with a large debt payment to credit cards, school loans, car loan, mortgage, medical bills and the ever constant utilities we are left with very little.  So money is a constant source of anxiety.  Thankfully a new bonus program has been put into place with Thom's work so in the near future we will be able to breathe more but that will take a couple months as we are behind on a few payments that we will need to catch up on.

Two is small children.  In my case 4 small children.  My oldest is only 6 and my youngest is 5 months.  A 4 year old and 2 year old are in the middle.  This means two things.  One: that I am in constant need...someone seems to always need something from me.  I grew up in a family of 4 people total.  Only one brother for a sibling.  I was alone a TON and got along fine.  Now I am NEVER alone and even 6 years later it is still challenge for me.  Two:  What to do with little kids all day long every day.  I was never around little kids.  I honestly hated babysitting.  So now I have 4 little ones who I of course adore and love to be with but I admit I am often at a loss of what to DO with them for hours on end.  I really dislike the winter months for this especially.  And when i look up fun things to do with them online there are often costs with their ideas.  Even just craft supplies.  We barely have enough money each month for food and some gas.  Other ideas admittedly overwhelm me because of the amount of prep work / clean up that it will require.  So much of these 6 years has been sitting in front of the TV.  But this past winter we got rid of the TV.  It was effecting us all too much.  I'll explain more on that later.

So in a nutshell I am haunted by constant anxiety.  I have learned to live with it and ignore it in many ways but I admit I would LOVE to live life without it's constant companion.