Anxiety

I am not positive but it seems that depressions is much more common than anxiety.  I know several people who struggle with depression and yet anxiety is not an issue for them.  And yet my doctor assures me that the two are related.  Which makes sense to me for the most part.  I think depression and anxiety in simple terms can be defined by feeling too much.  Anti-depressants are really anti feeling pills.  In the right dose they can help a depressed / anxious person not feel as much as they used to.  So for me that means that things that would really get me down or frustrated or anxious are really no big deal.  They may still bug me but they no longer have the power to DEBILITATE me.

For the most part I am feeling some level of anxiety all day long.  I wake up anxious.  I go to bed anxious.  Occasionally I get an increased level of anxiety which we can labeled 'an attack'.  These are much more difficult to manage.  My chest gets super tight.  My breathing quickens.  And if you are nearby I will have an EXTREMELY short fuse so sadly beware.  Neighbors who are clueless of the situation that just sent me overboard are sometimes innocent recipients of my frustrations.  Now I don't want you to think I suddenly turn into this hulk of a jerk.  In my head I do but thankfully I have better manners than that, at least for those innocent neighbors.  But sadly for my children mommy does turn into a bit of hulk and they are suddenly faced with a louder sharper insistent mommy and if they choose to disobey at this time the wrath only increases until they are either majorly punished or banished to their room for who knows how long.

I was hoping therapy could help out with my anxiety.  It probably could but my therapist was not much of a help.  I told her how I pretty much feel anxious all the time and she suggested I take Kava Kava or Kava root to help calm my nerves.  I buy some Kava root only to later realize I should not take it while breastfeeding.  I thought I'd try it once anyway but I did not feel much if any relief.  Taking that information back to my doctor he disagreed with her advice and decided to up my dose on Zoloft instead.  Sigh...  The therapist never tried to figure out what causes the anxiety.  I thought that was what she would do and maybe through figuring it all out we could calm my nerves some.  On my own I have tried to come up with reasons for my anxiousness and I have come up with a few.  'Fixing' them though is not as easy.

One is finances.  We were stupid while we were in college.  We lived off loans and credit cards and when we graduated we turned to just credit cards and until now we have never lived within in our means.  Last year we consolidated all the debt we could which froze all of our credit cards and increased our monthly payments BUT made it so we would be debt free in 4 years instead of 18!  So now we are forced to live within our means but with a large debt payment to credit cards, school loans, car loan, mortgage, medical bills and the ever constant utilities we are left with very little.  So money is a constant source of anxiety.  Thankfully a new bonus program has been put into place with Thom's work so in the near future we will be able to breathe more but that will take a couple months as we are behind on a few payments that we will need to catch up on.

Two is small children.  In my case 4 small children.  My oldest is only 6 and my youngest is 5 months.  A 4 year old and 2 year old are in the middle.  This means two things.  One: that I am in constant need...someone seems to always need something from me.  I grew up in a family of 4 people total.  Only one brother for a sibling.  I was alone a TON and got along fine.  Now I am NEVER alone and even 6 years later it is still challenge for me.  Two:  What to do with little kids all day long every day.  I was never around little kids.  I honestly hated babysitting.  So now I have 4 little ones who I of course adore and love to be with but I admit I am often at a loss of what to DO with them for hours on end.  I really dislike the winter months for this especially.  And when i look up fun things to do with them online there are often costs with their ideas.  Even just craft supplies.  We barely have enough money each month for food and some gas.  Other ideas admittedly overwhelm me because of the amount of prep work / clean up that it will require.  So much of these 6 years has been sitting in front of the TV.  But this past winter we got rid of the TV.  It was effecting us all too much.  I'll explain more on that later.

So in a nutshell I am haunted by constant anxiety.  I have learned to live with it and ignore it in many ways but I admit I would LOVE to live life without it's constant companion.