Courage

I have definately been lousy with keeping up with this blog.  When one is struggling to find the light though it can be hard to open up.  Or feel like taking the time to do so.

Depression and anxiety are like I have said...they make you feel too much.  And I think this is Satan's very very effective tools in these latter days.  I think depression and anxiety can be a hormonal defect.  But it is also something that most if not every woman can understand.  As women we seem to have this innate ability to beat ourselves up.  Whether it be with sad, self defeating thoughts or through sad, self defeating foods or through sad, self defeating idleness.  When I am feeling low the last thing I want to do is to eat a carrot or be productive.  I want to wallow away into nothingness with the assistance of my favorite self defeating food Double Stuff Oreos and the magic glowing box.  But as I give into the soft gooey perfectly dipped oreos and the numbness of watching a fake universe I don't ever 'feel better'.  No amount of these things make me feel at all better.  I tend to feel worse and then go to bed with the hopes that some how tomorrow morning I will wake up refreshed and energized and self appreciating and motivating!  Can I just say how grateful I am for every NEW day?!  Each day is just like the Saviors atonement.  It is a second chance to get it right!  And every single day I mess up and go to sleep and because of the atonement that next days is another second chance!  Truly a miracle!  I have always been a morning lover!  Well that is until taking antidepressants.

I think antidepressants have amazing capabilities.  When I first got on a successful dose I finally became capable of my own life as well as wanting and being able to help those around me!  It was a true miracle!  And I think still the medicine I am on now is working quite well but there are side effects.  The biggest side effect for me is evident in the mornings.  Instead of waking up after 8 hours of sleep MAX feeling wide awake and ready to conquer the world I feel like I may be able to sleep all day long if I was aloud to.  I'm okay once I get up and moving but it takes an extra push to get going.  This side effect is very frustrating for me since I have always loved the mornings.  Recently I thought I would go off the medicine cold turkey and see what I was like without it.  NEVER A GOOD IDEA!  cold turkey brings so many other yucky side effects that can be avoided with proper dosage decline.  Well after being off the medicine for 3 days we had a meeting with our local church leader (Bishop).  He knows of my struggles and asked if I was taking the medicine as I was directed.  I told him actually I had thought to get off of it.  He wisely counseled me to not do so and to keep on as I am prescribed to do.  So I willingly obeyed and am back on it.  The doc said that after a year of being successfully on the medicine I can try life without so I will just wait until then.

Recently I was talking to a good friend about Utah and it's high use of anti-depressants.  She thought this to be so very sad.  Yet I see it in another light.  In Utah there is a very high birth rate.  This takes such a toll on a womans body and often a birth of one child is followed closely by a sibling.  This is wonderful and beautiful that Utah women are so focused on creating and raising a family!  But doing so is NOT easy!  And I don't know about other Utah women or any others for that matter, but I had no idea motherhood was going to be so challenging!  It was wonderful and fabulous of course.  But it is NOT easy.  And the mothers in Utah I feel know that they are so vitally important to the success of their families that if they are NOT doing well emotionally then they need help.  I see Utah's high use of anti-depressants as a positive.  There are so many women and men who fight the dark battle alone for too long.  There is help and anti-depressants can be a HUGE help and in some instances a life saver.  They are NOT the solution alone no.  I have come to recognize that Satan's number one tactic on me is self defeat.  All he needs to do is plant one negative thought of me not being good enough at one thing and that can set my mind rolling in self defeating thoughts and behaviors.  I am striving to see that I am a BEAUTIFUL daughter of GOD who loves me and I love Him!  He knows my faults.  He knows my strengths.  He knows that this isn't easy.  He knows that I CAN do it though and that He can help me become who I can become.  I am not going to be perfect tomorrow just like I wasn't perfect today.  But I can keep trying.  Keep striving.  As a wise prophet, President Monson once said, “Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”